I feel shattered everyday, from inside out. I feel my hypersensitivities molding into severe depression. My loneliness and alienation are always reassured by my "friends" on Facebook, hence I deactivated the account tonight. Despite going to one of the best schools in the country, I’ve found few peers. I feel that these children are selfish- they have no plans of betterment for the rest of the world, and whatever goodwill they do is for the sake of looking good on their Ivy applications. I feel school is a display of the world’s unfairness, and I am bothered by this every time I walk into the building. And I hate the socializing. I hate pretending to care about that boy who vowed to kiss every girl in our (as-of-Sept.) sophomore class. I hate those who see me as inferior because I don’t want to talk.
Sorry if the question’s organization is not orderly: I am writing amid tears weighing down my chest. I feel I don’t belong in this world, and many times, I’ve wanted to slit myself. The only thing that kept me from the knife was- I know this sounds silly- a fear of sharp edges. I want some comfort, and I’ve tried to make friends a good many times. No one cares, however. Take for example a time when I invited all my grade-school mates to barbecue because some I crossed on the streets claimed "[they] miss me". Doesn’t that literally translate into "let’s hold a gathering"? I did as suggested, and the result was less than 10 people marked as "attending" on Facebook. I feel bitter that no one ever share as strong feelings as I do.
I also avert change, if that has to do with anything. It is, in general, others who change and eventually leave me. I feel there is something very wrong with me. I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS, and I suspect myself of having some degree of depression. I continuously feel useless in a world that cannot be perfect. Others will continue suffering, and I will be selfish and numb myself with materialism. I have lately been losing weight, and if I lose enough weight it’s obvious, that would be a problem. I also have chronic gastritis and possible migraine now. I also have a collection of problems- ranging from tinnitus to occasional knee dislocations. My life is always painful, and I don’t think I can bear it any longer…
One more step, and I might end up at an asylum.
Colin, I’ve sought medical help. But as my dad had a new job (and cannot be transporting me to and fro the clinic), I discontinued my therapy sessions.
My parents don’t understand. They think my worries are superficial, and sometimes they try to buy my smile with money or with a meal at a nice restaurant. I know they love me, but all they are going to tell me is to quit worrying about others. I cannot do that. I cannot come home to my empty room and confess to myself that I love skin-deep indulgence. I can only be happy when I see smiles on others’ faces and when my mind is stimulated.
